A Look Inside

Mother's Day Gift Idea

They say

They say that if you schedule a mtg for an hour it will take the full hour whether or not it needs to: people will find a way to fill the time because it’s been blocked off.

What do they say about a meeting scheduled for 30 minutes that ends up needlessly taking an hour?

Tea Party

I have no political comment on today’s tea parties but I did see an interesting picture. It was at a local gathering and was of two people holding signs. The first sign said:

Taxed
Enough
Already

The other sign read: HONK If I Pay Your Mortgage

The punchline: They were kids. One looked to be maybe ten and the other probably six.

True story.

Mac and Poo Anyone?

This is truly disgusting, so if you get squeamish easily this is your stop, get off here.

I received a phone call from my wife at work this afternoon. It seems that an object that she described as a turd came in a box of Kraft mac and cheese that we had purchased at our local grocers. Now I have this problem, I have a visual reflex. You say it to me, I visualize it. And with the information I was provided the image in my head was both appalling and disgusting. It would have been hilarious had it been a truly fictional “Saturday Night Live” skit.

My poor wife is 8 months pregnant and already gets easily grossed out by these kinds of things. Not by blood or the disgusting things inside people’s mouths (seriously people, just brush), but I guess that’s what you get from a dental hygienist. So here she is trying to extract the specimen while dry-heaving.

After further clarification I learned that it was much smaller than my vivid imagination had allowed me to anticipate. I chuckled at this incident from the safe distance of my office 15 miles away. It was gross, but mildly humorous that this discovery was made. (Remember, I’ve got the SNL skit playing in my head.)

Let me tell you, though, that upon arriving home, I found nothing funny about what I saw. It’s truly gross. We’re not talking mouse feces here, you know like little grains of rice or something. And it’s probably a good thing, she may not have noticed that.

No, what we are talking about looks like it would, if it is in fact animal feces, have come from something larger. It’s more like the size of a large jelly bean, maybe even two stuck together. Far less appealing that a jelly bean though, and don’t just take my word for it: I took pictures. View at your own risk.
Gross
Still Gross
Side view of grossness with noodles attached (you’re welcome)

It’s actually probably a good thing that it stayed fully intact through the boiling process. (It was discovered during the straining process). Otherwise I shudder, literally, to consider the ramifications of it fully dissolving.

My wife promptly called Kraft to make them aware of the situation. The kind lady on the phone was attempting to handle it in a way that I’m sure she’d been trained to, and she read the script like a champ. They take the utmost precaution in the cleanliness of their facilities….blah, blah, blah. They are truly sorry that this happened….blah, blah, blah. They’ll send a bag out, we can mail it back so they can investigate and they promise to keep us apprised of their findings….blah, blah, blah.

Oh yeah, AND they’d be more than happy to send us a voucher for a replacement box. *SCREEEEEEECH*. (That’s the sound of a record stopping not me really excited about the nerd from “Saved by the Bell”.)

Really? Because you know what sounds really appealing right about now? A free, turd free box of Kraft mac and cheese.

Except for the part that it doesn’t sound appealing at all. No, in fact I’d rather that they send me a voucher for a competitors box of mac and cheese. Because I’d least then I don’t have to wonder if I’m getting a box from the same batch that already have one special gift in it and might have more.

Thanks for the voucher, Kraft, I feel better that my wife almost served herself and our two year-old a turd straight out of one of your factories.

So what do I do now, call the health department?

Conversations with a Child

I’m thinking this might be a running item here. We parents are crazy. We all think our kids are the cutest kids ever (some obviously aren’t, sorry folks) and the smartest little rugrats on the planet. The reality that so few parents are able to see where and when their kids are going wrong doesn’t surprise me because it is easy to hold your child in such high regard because you love them so much. Doesn’t excuse it, I can just see how it happens.

But enough about my parental rant, on to the conversation:

We were sitting at dinner yesterday evening with my parents and brother to celebrate my wife’s 30th birthday. My two and a half year old son was sitting to my right, my wife to my left and my parents and brother across the table. The little angel was loudly playing with his cars, sometimes sending them zooming wildly across the table to Grammie. In the midst of his play he randomly and adoringly looks up at me and says, “Daddy, I need you forever.”

In an amazing coincidence, the extreme dustiness of the establishment we were in really started to get to me. It was either that or the pollen off the fake plants on the ledge just to my right. I found myself blinking rapidly and reaching for my napkin in an effort to combat the effect.

As everyone else at the table started to respond, mostly to my dust/pollen averse reaction, my son realized he had created an audience. With a huge grin on his face he followed up that fine comment with, “Just for pretend”.

We all cracked up. I laughed so hard I cried (imagine that). Enjoying the laughter he tacked on another gem with all the gusto he could manage, “I’m just kidding me! I’m just kidding me!”.

It was a fine series of moments.

Conversations with a Child

As I’m watching the Michigan game my two and a half year-old son comes up to me and says, “Dad, can I go outside with my hat on?” This is his way of making a concession. He doesn’t like wearing his hat but maybe if he offers to willingly wear it, dad will be more likely to take him outside.

“No,” I respond, “it’s almost bed time.”

“BUT IT’S SUPER-SUNNY OUTSIDE!” (Actually it’s very much dusk here in Michigan, nothing even resembling sunny.)

Seriously, he’s two and a half. I’m in for it.